I Would Not Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

I may be undead but at lease my hair looks good.

I may be undead but at lease my hair looks good.

Dudes, the news is not good.

On the cusp of tonight’s season finale of The Walking Dead, just prior to learning what terrible fate awaits Glen and Maggie (you know last week’s reunion was a wee too happy for that show) and what weird shit is going on at Terminus (because you know if something seems too good to be true on that show, it usually is), I discover that my own fate in a zombie apocalypse is in peril.

It turns out that in a ranking of all 50 states and the District of Columbia for likelihood of surviving a zombie threat, New Jersey ranks at the very bottom. THE VERY BOTTOM. Even below Mississippi.

I find this news rather terrifying.

I even thought I did my part in preparing for a sudden zombie uprising by learning to shoot a firearm not that long ago. I kept joking with one of the gals who was part of the group, another Walking Dead lover, about how we were going to rock the zombie apocalypse. There was even a zombie target we could have bought in the pistol range’s shop.

Maybe we should have learned to shoot crossbows instead.

Anyway, I really want to urge all my fellow New Jerseyans to get their shit together so we can survive whatever havoc brain-eaters bring to our state. I mean, we survived Snooki, right?

When I wasn’t obsessing over the zombie apocalypse this week, I had this to say:

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Credit: Randjelovic.zzz

Credit: Randjelovic.zzz

This is What 47 Looks Like

“Why is everyone turning 50 this week?” my 11-​​year-​​old son asked yesterday and I have to say, it certainly felt that way this weekend.

I spent most of Sunday recovering from back-​​to-​​back 50th birthday parties the day before. On Saturday afternoon the kids and I helped our neighbor celebrate his milestone with a small group of friends and family and lots of pictures from various stages of his life. Later that evening I attended a surprise dinner at a local restaurant for a high school friend hitting the big five-​​oh with a mix of his old and new friends plus lots of red wine. (READ MORE … )

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photo-15The ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ of Gwyneth and Chris

It can’t be easy being Gwyneth.

What with all the kale she’s got to juice, arms she needs to spin in circles with her friend Tracy the fitness guru and $350 Veronica Beard shorts she must ferret out for us to buy on her website, I don’t know where she finds the time to yell at her kids and watchTV like me. (READ MORE … )

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photo-17That’s What She Said

So, lately I’ve drawn much of my inspiration for this blog from things going on in the news, mostly because there’s absolutely nothing going on in my life. Absolutely. Nothing.

It’s so bad that in the five-​​year memory book I try to write in at the end of every day, just a quick recap of what transpired in the previous 24 hours, I actually noted: Picked Nick up from karate. (READ MORE … )

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photo-18Is it Cold or Allergies?

The worst part of feeling so lousy these last two weeks was not the hacking cough that actually caused me to vomit (I know, I’m sorry but it really happened) or the 90-​​minute wait for the five-​​minute exam with the nice, young doctor who quickly told me I had an upper respiratory infection and prescribed a Z-​​PAK. (READ MORE … )

 

Is It Cold or Allergies?

photo-18The worst part of feeling so lousy these last two weeks was not the hacking cough that actually caused me to vomit (I know, I’m sorry but it really happened) or the 90-minute wait for the five-minute exam with the nice, young doctor who quickly told me I had an upper respiratory infection and prescribed a Z-PAK.

No, the very worst part of this sore throat, headachy, cough thing that just refused to subside was when the nurse at the walk-in clinic this morning asked me to follow her outside the exam room to be weighed.

“What?” I croaked. “I would have gone on a diet before coming if I knew you were going to weigh me.”

I would have done a one-day cleanse, at the very least.

I also would have stripped down to my bra and underwear but instead, she coaxed me onto the scale wearing clothes and my black riding boots, which I am assuming added an additional 10-12 pounds to the final result.

My body is no stranger to any of the symptoms it’s been hosting over the last 10 days and if I was better at seeing patterns and reading signs, I’d have gotten to the bottom of it all by now. But the start of each fall and spring brings acute awareness to my sinus cavities and I’m still struggling with whether it’s a cold or allergies and if I should be taking Mucinex or Claritin. So I just take everything, as the picture above can attest.

The good news is that I’m not alone. A quick trip to the grocery store yesterday morning after spin class (because feeling fat trumps feeling sick all day long) found me having not one but like three conversations with various people I ran into about illness. One of those conversations was just me complaining to someone on the deli line about how crappy I felt, but then I met two other women who were just coming off the same kind of stuff I had.

And naturally, I polled everyone about whether they thought I should go to the walk-in clinic to see a doctor. I love polling people. It makes my decision making even more difficult.

In the end, I drove over yesterday afternoon to the clinic to find like a dozen people reading magazines and texting while they waited to see the one doctor working.

No thanks. I went home to suffer.

This morning I woke up with a cough that continued to wrack my chest and a headache to rival any 50th birthday party. So once the kids left for school, I hightailed it back and found only about five people sitting in the waiting area ahead of me.

When the doctor finally entered my exam room, I probably spent more time detailing my symptoms and their duration than she did looking in my ears and throat and concluding I had an upper respiratory infection.

Initially I had been afraid that a doctor was just going to throw antibiotics at me but at that point, I was happy just knowing the tide was about to turn.

And you know what? Three hours after my first dose I already feel about a million times better.

So my advice to any of you on the fence about whether to seek medical advice or just ride the bad symptoms out, I say, “Get thee to a doctor.”

Because I am all about waiting for things to get better, like hacking coughs and unhappy marriages, but sometimes you’ve got to know when enough is enough.

Do you rush to the doctor at the first signs of an illness or do you try to wait it out? What’s your advice?

 

 

That’s What She Said

photo-17So, lately I’ve drawn much of my inspiration for this blog from things going on in the news, mostly because there’s absolutely nothing going on in my life. Absolutely. Nothing.

It’s so bad that in the five-year memory book I try to write in at the end of every day, just a quick recap of what transpired in the previous 24 hours, I actually noted: Picked Nick up from karate.

Actually, the entire post read: Still sick. Still fat. Spin Class. Whole Foods. Drove Nick to karate.

I mean, what the fuck? I used to have a life. I used to really do somewhat important-ish things. Now I am relegated to karate carpooling and steaming turnips.

But while there’s currently not much going on in my life, there does seem to be a bunch of things going on in the rest of the world. So much, in fact, that I really can’t get to writing about everything that’s caught my eye of late.

So I thought I’d share some links to interesting articles I’ve stumbled upon in the paper or trolling Facebook (which I now spend an inordinate amount of time on).

Herewith, some rabbit holes to jump down:

– Like, a day after I write about turning 50 (some day), I discover I’m not the only one wringing my hands about it. 

– And if you missed the reference to crying about a future big birthday, here’s a refresher.

– As if turning 50’s not bad enough, a doctor will try to stick something where?

– Just when you thought Snapchat was the most worrisome app on your middle schooler’s iPhone, now there’s this.

– Although some media people can build a whole career out of that kind of stuff.

–  Will you go ape shit if you read one more contradictory piece on parenting? You’re not alone.

“Conscious Uncoupling” gets a blast of fresh air.

If you’re still looking for something to do, why don’t you subscribe to the blog via email to get new posts delivered straight to your inbox? Just look for the box here that encourages you to do just that. Easy. Peasy. 

The ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ of Gwyneth & Chris

photo-15It can’t be easy being Gwyneth.

What with all the kale she’s got to juice, arms she needs to spin in circles with her friend Tracy the fitness guru and $350 Veronica Beard shorts she must ferret out for us to buy on her website, I don’t know where she finds the time to yell at her kids and watch TV like me.

And on top of that, there’s that rock star husband that needs to be kept happy.

So I wasn’t super surprised when Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin announced their split Tuesday on her much-maligned blog, Goop. 

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate,” the two announced in a statement that fell under the blog post heading “Conscious Uncoupling.”

The end of the Oscar-winning, kale-eating actress and British rock star’s 11-year marriage set off a flurry of snarky tweets on Twitter:

“Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband “consciously uncouple.” She even gets a divorce in a pretentious way.”

Gwyneth Paltrow says,”Yes, this is my divorce attorney” *points to kale smoothie*

Even Gwyneth Paltrow‘s divorce is going to be perfect.

Guys, Gwyneth Paltrow is going to have the most amazing organic & sustainable  divorce. 

And I get it, Gwyneth and her perfectly pretentious life can be really annoying. Her suggestions that we substitute Vegenaise for mayo on our turkey sandwiches and roll our own dumpling wrappers don’t always seem doable for the single mother of four living in the New Jersey suburbs.

But it’s  a funny coincidence that she should be all over the headlines this week because her face and name have been all over my kitchen lately.

My neighbor Susan brought over the copy of Gwyneth’s newest cookbook, “It’s All Good,” for me to take a look at after I expressed some interest it. But I was really interested in more of a “What is that crazy bitch up to now?” kind of way rather than a “I’d really like to make some of those recipes” kind of way.

I had been on the Goop website a few times and could not relate to all the talk of kimchi and $570 charm bracelets.

I was dubious, at best.

But another girlfriend who’d borrowed the book reported that she had found a number of good recipes to incorporate into her family dinner plan, and even though I think this friend has actually made her own sriracha sauce – something I never, ever aspire to do since I can buy it at Wegman’s – I thought, “What the hell?”

And a few days later I actually ordered my own copy on Amazon.

Here’s the deal: I have really tried to clean up not only my own eating habits, but those of my children, no matter how much they cry about it. I’m really trying to eliminate as much processed, sugary crap as I can.

It’s been over-reported on this blog that I’ve tried to shed some of my recent mid-life weight gain by breaking up with old friends like Mr. Cheez-Its and Senor Tostitos, which is not easy because they were beautiful, beautiful companions. They never suggested I go brush my teeth or take the scrunchie out of my hair.

And, because a certain someone I work out with is all about protein – don’t even get him going about protein – I’ve tried to incorporate more of that stuff into most of my meals. So my diet has slowly shifted from sandwiches, toasted bagels and Honey Bunches of Oats (sigh) to Greek yogurt, smoothies and quinoa.

I’ve even started eating a lot of kale.

The kids and I have been enjoying a bunch of Gwyneth’s recipes for dinner over the last few weeks. We loved the Teriyaki Chicken and the Chicken Francaise. We wolfed down the Spicy Brussels Sprouts. And last night I made the Super-Crispy Roast Chicken, which we devoured, but nobody wanted any part of the White Bean Puree With Turnip + Roasted Garlic that I made to go along with it. The kids have their limits.

Of course, all of those recipes were pretty labor-intensive and probably wouldn’t have happened – especially on such a regular basis – if I was still working full time. But in my semi-retirement, I’m trying to spend time doing all the things I didn’t have time for a year ago, like making recipes with more than three ingredients and getting my little guy to read every night.

Plus it breaks up the monotony of my usual chicken recipes.

While paging through the cookbook, I try to ignore – or at least not get annoyed by – all of the accompanying photos of Gwyneth and her two children, walking through a meadow or sitting cross legged on the beach waiting for their paella to simmer. It’s all a little too perfect, but who am I to judge?

Who are any of us to judge?

Listen, I’m the first one to admit that it isn’t easy being married. It’s hard fucking work. And I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like trying to do that in the public eye, much less having to announce when it came to an end.

But so far, at least according to their joint statement, Gwyneth and Chris seem to be heading in the right direction, stressing that they are “parents first and foremost” and that they “will always be a family.”

Good start.

Following the announcement on the blog, Gwyneth brings in some expert advice in a post to describe what an “unconscious uncoupling” was, which could be viewed as another pretentious Gwyneth idea, or a very sane and compassionate way to end a marriage. If you ask me it’s like everything you need to know about marriage and divorce, in about 1,000 words (compliments of Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami):

“If we can recognize that our partners in our intimate relationships are our teachers, helping us evolve our internal, spiritual support structure, we can avoid the drama of divorce and experience what we call a conscious uncoupling. A conscious uncoupling is the ability to understand that every irritation and argument was a signal to look inside ourselves and identify a negative internal object that needed healing.”

Boom. That’s it. It makes it all about self-awareness and understanding rather than anger and resentment.

I hope Gwyneth is able to find time to figure that all out in between her sage charring and detoxing.  It’s taken me a good six years of therapy to start to see things this way. And I hope she finds peace, as I have, in focusing on all the good things about her marriage and the beautiful children that came out of it.

It’s like kale for the soul.

 

 

 

 

 

This Is What 47 Looks Like

Credit: Randjelovic.zzz

Credit: Randjelovic.zzz

“Why is everyone turning 50 this week?” my 11-year-old son asked yesterday and I have to say, it certainly felt that way this weekend.

I spent most of Sunday recovering from back-to-back 50th birthday parties the day before. On Saturday afternoon the kids and I helped our neighbor celebrate his milestone with a small group of friends and family and lots of pictures from various stages of his life. Later that evening I attended a surprise dinner at a local restaurant for a high school friend hitting the big five-oh with a mix of his old and new friends plus lots of red wine.

My joke of the weekend was that I liked playing the part of the young ingénue by hanging around old people, but who am I kidding? In less than 30 months there will be 50 candles on my cake, too.

Fuck.

In the meantime, I really felt all of my 47 years yesterday while I tried to recover from what happened after the birthday dinner. I was driving home with old friends – and I mean “old” not because they were two grades ahead of me in high school (I’m still thinking in terms of high school) but “old” like they knew me when I was a brunette – and we decided what the night really needed was some more gasoline sprayed all over our steadily-burning fires.

So we headed to the kind of bar in the town next door that charges a cover just to go upstairs and drink overpriced vodka drinks and try to scream over the thumping music. The place was packed but it soon became clear that we were probably the oldest group there by about a dozen years. We tried, unsuccessfully, to scope out some prospective gentlemen for me and eventually gave up and went home.

I awoke on Sunday feeling way too old to be out clubbing after midnight and wondering if I’d be making more grown up decisions at 50.

Yesterday also marked my ex-husband’s 50th birthday and that was really weird and a little sad for me but probably not for him, because he’s away in some sunny spot with his live-in girlfriend celebrating the occasion.

But it’s weird to think that the cute boy whose locker was next to my best friend’s locker all those years ago was now older than my parents were at the time that I fell for him. I came across a picture of the two of us sitting on the beach together, circa 1982, and couldn’t get over what babies we were. I even have babies now that are older than the two knuckleheads sitting in the sand that day.

And it was sad that we’re both so annoyed with each other right now that I couldn’t even send him a “happy birthday” text. Because even though we’re not married, I still care about the lug – he was an important part of my life for a long time.

My daughter and I watched Wes Anderson’s “The Royal Tenenbaum’s” yesterday afternoon and I thought about how you never stop caring about someone when Gene Hackman’s character, Royal Tenenbaum, tells his ex-wife, played by the amazing Angelica Houston, that he is dying (which turns out to be a lie) and her reaction.

The milestone even gave my mom pause when I told her a few weeks ago that he would turn 50 this month. “Oh my god,” she said.

I guess his big birthday is just another reminder that none of us is getting any younger.

It was kind of a relief when I read yesterday that even Gloria Steinem struggled with the half-century mark. “Fifty was a shock, because it was the end of the center period of life,” she says in a piece in the Sunday Review section of The New York Times. “But once I got over that, 60 was great.”

Steinem, who turns 80 this week, goes on to say, “I seriously loved aging.”

And I’m inspired by that sentiment. I want to get out and explore and spend time with the people that I love and move towards the end with grace. I admire that Steinem says she only colors her hair and has left the rest alone and hope I can stay the course and not do too much fiddling with myself as things really start to go downhill. It won’t be easy as I already stand in front of my supersonic bathroom magnifying mirror and gently pull up my brows and cheekbones to see the girl I once was.

But I guess I’ll just sit back and appreciate that I still have another about another 870 days to come to terms with my own 50th birthday.

I mean, what’s the alternative?

How to Get a Tattoo

Credit: Magnus Manske

Credit: Magnus Manske

I have a tattoo.

And if you have gotten any sense from this blog of the boring, pretty traditional kind of person that I am, then you understand that it is truly the weirdest thing about me.

I never even really wanted one.

The night I got it about a dozen years ago, I was just kind of along for the ride to watch my then-husband and sister-in-law get inked and then go out to dinner. I was in it for the food and drinks, basically.

My sister-in-law had gotten a bee in her bonnet about getting a tattoo – doing all sorts of research on, like, the cleanest place to get one locally and the best artist to do it – and it just enabled my husband’s long-held desire for skin art. So her husband and I accompanied them to their destiny with a needle.

But when we got to the tattoo parlor and were faced with the pages of samples of potential body stamps – cartoon characters, Chinese symbols, flowers – my husband started to think it would be a good idea if I got one, too. A REALLY good idea, he said.

I have never been very good at saying “No.” When handed a cigarette as a youngster I gladly puffed away, and when my BFF in high school suggested we take her dad’s BMW out for a spin, even though we were still a year shy of having drivers licenses, I got in and fastened my seatbelt. I made an excellent accomplice.

So, maybe lifelong issues have stemmed from poor decision making.

Anyway, the husband started some slight pressuring and before I knew it, I was hunched over in a chair with some guy sitting behind me and dragging a needle through my lower back.

I wasn’t even drunk.

And let me tell you, I have given birth to two children with absolutely no medication. Zilch. Zippo. Nothing.

And while the process of getting a baby out of you really hurts, I found natural childbirth fairly manageable. You just need to keep your wits about you.

You should have seen me then, carrying on in the tattoo parlor, sweating and feeling weak with my wits scattered all over the linoleum floor. I was in so much pain that someone had to run next door to the Cumberland Farms to buy some orange juice to keep me from fainting.

Later, one of the other tattoo artists came in to the little curtained-off area to survey the two-inch butterfly sitting on my lower right hip and said, “That’s what all the fuss was about?”

This was a man thoroughly covered in ink, with artwork creeping out of his shirt and all the way up his neck.

The four of us ended up getting tattoos in various shapes and sizes on different parts of our bodies, and then headed off to dinner at a local seafood place. We sat outside on a deck overlooking the river in the soft summer air, pulling steamers from their shells and marveling over what we had just done, feeling just a little bit giddy about our bandaged tats.

As a stay-at-home mom with three kids, it felt so edgy and naughty to say I had a tattoo. This was back before it became de rigeur for all professional athletes and everyone under 30 to be inked up and probably a cultural turning point for tattoos in general when mothers of three from New Jersey were getting body art. If you charted the history of tattoos on a timeline, that summer probably marked the moment when having a tattoo went from being cool to so last year — like Facebook and Uggs.

For the most part, I’ve never really regretted getting it. It’s fun to pull out as a party trick after a few drinks and I liked that my husband thought it was sexy. Now that he’s not around, I still don’t hate it. I’ve never thought of having it removed and since it’s on my back and out of sight, I often forget the bluish butterfly is even there.

But none of this is to say that I would ever support any of my children marring their bodies permanently with ink. One of the upsides of having a tattoo is that I always assumed it would act as a deterrent to our children from getting inked. I mean, who would want to do anything that dorky?

So I thought it was funny when I heard that President Obama was using the same rationale with his daughters. He has said that if Sasha or Malia got a tattoo, he and Michelle would get inked as well.

“Michelle and I will be right there and we’ll post it so that everybody will be able to see it and we’ll say we all got matching tattoos,” he told Ellen DeGeneres this week.

But I have one daughter who keeps talking about getting a tattoo. It would be meaningful though, she tells me. Not some stupid butterfly.

I’ve already come to terms with the increasing number of holes running along the perimeter of her ears. Every time I see her, it seems like there’s another one (thank god no freaky gages, though). But I cannot stand the thought of her ruining a perfectly good ankle or shoulder – covered in all that beautiful skin I spent years patting dry after a bath and slathering sunscreen on for a day at the beach – by some stranger with an electric needle. It really bothers me.

And even though I’ve never had an urge to get another tattoo, when my daughter brings up wanting to get one, I pretend to get all excited about us doing it together. I suggest we get the same beef-and-broccoli sign on the inside of our wrists or whatever.

She just stares and gives me the same withering look she reserves for when I suggest she gets a job at school or takes her car in to get the oil changed.

It’s quite scary, actually.

Before she turned 18, my daughter needed my permission to get a tattoo but now that she’s 20, she can walk in and get the side of her face tattooed Mike Tyson-style if she wanted.

It’s hard as a parent to sit back and watch your kids mess with the things you worked so hard to nurture and protect when they were young — like brain cells, lungs and flesh.

I’d like to ask my mom what she thought about four of her eight children having something permanently inked on their bodies, but I don’t think any of us have had the nerve to tell her yet about our tattoos.

Do you have a tattoo? Do you regret it and have you told your mother?

10 Things I Won’t Miss About Winter 2013-14

DSC00412I didn’t need Al Roker, shivering outside in Rockefeller Plaza this morning, to tell me on this last day of winter that this has been one of the snowiest seasons on record for those of us here in the Northeast.

I’ve got the five extra pounds and tight jeans to prove it.

According to USA Today, this has been one of the 10 snowiest winters for the New York City, Philadelphia, Chicago and Boston areas, and I will be happy to hang up my trusty shovel and bid adieu to the wretched season.

I did find it interesting that this has not been one of the coldest winters on record in the region, given that I’ve spent most of the last few months cranking the thermometer up to 72 degrees in the house and curling up in a chair next to the fireplace to work. Perhaps I am becoming a cat.

But overall, it’s only the 34th coldest on record, with Winter 2009-10 averaging even colder temperatures. I guess last year’s balmy winter made us all soft.

And so, even though it means we are one step closer to summer break and all of its ensuing implications — like no school and bathing suits — I am not very sorry to say good-bye to winter this year.  Herewith, a list of things that can kiss my ass:

  1. Snow
  2. Shoveling said snow.
  3. Fighting with my children about shoveling said goddamn snow.
  4. Snow days.
  5. Delayed openings.
  6. Phone calls at 4:30 a.m. regarding said delayed openings.
  7. College winter break.
  8. Entering a room to find college kids on couch watching Criminal Minds/Breaking Bad/Dr. Who/Arrested Development/Walking Dead/The List Goes On.
  9. Skin the color of my kitchen moulding.
  10. The Polar Fucking Vortex.

What won’t you miss when we officially say “hello” to spring tomorrow? Tell me in the comments section below.

 

 

Suburban Women in Crisis

IMG_3972A couple of years ago I went away for a long weekend to Miami’s South Beach with an old college friend while my kids went away with their dad for Spring Break.

She’s the same friend who, if you recall, suggested on a recent girls’ weekend that my dark, red lipstick was not doing me any favors, and smudged it off of my lips with her thumb. She also observed during another ladycation with our sorority sisters in Hilton Head that I if I wanted to be successful with the fellas, I really needed to work on my small talk. Apparently, it’s not great.

And while some people might be offended by these personal observations, I know that she just has my best interest at heart and was offering the advice with love. She’s a Greek and after spending a week with her people last summer, I understand her so much better. I now know from where her very strong opinions and forceful nature stem. It’s the same cultural impulse that compels a taxi driver to shout out the window at everyone he passes and the frustrated woman behind the hotel desk in Samos — who was trying to help me connect my iPhone to their wireless — to bark, “Give to me,” and pluck the phone from my hands.

They are inherently a bossy people.

So, from time to time during our trip to Miami, where we stayed in a swanky little boutique hotel and sunned ourselves on the beach alongside topless South American beauties, my pal would lean over to me and say, “S-S.”

That was her code for “stop staring.”

Apparently, it’s something I do quite a lot. And now that it’s been brought to my attention, I catch myself staring at people from time to time, like one of my kids sitting on the couch reading or when I see that really beautiful woman in town who I think looks exactly like Elle MacPherson.

I guess I just get caught up in all the admiring and forget that I am not invisible and it could be perceived as creepy (it freaks my kids out at any rate; I don’t know if the lady in town has noticed me yet).

This past weekend I found myself wishing that the same Greek girlfriend was around to help keep my staring in check.

I went away with a couple of friends from town to Vermont to stay in one of the girls’ condo for a weekend of winter fun at her members-only ski resort.

Yes, something like that really exists.

We snowmobiled through the snowy woods along a winding trail — at one point passing a herd (flock?) of turkeys standing in a clearing along the side — and raced across a hilly golf course, opening our throttles as our hands gripped the heated handles. We skied the wide-open and empty trails on snow groomed to resemble corduroy, skiing right back onto the chair lift and up the mountain. And on Sunday we strapped on our snowshoes and marched around the well-marked cross-country ski and snowshoe trails in the woods alongside the condo.

We were quite adventurous.

And when we weren’t outside playing in the snow, we spent quite a bit of time in the old country inn at the base of the mountain that serves as an uber quaint and fancy ski lodge while a much larger facility is being built for members nearby.

It’s like the setting for a snowy Nancy Meyers movie and is where all the staring comes in.

So, I am not living hand-to-mouth here in a fairly affluent part of central New Jersey where many of my 11-year-old’s friends own iPhones, there are a lot of Louis Vuitton bags standing on line at the gourmet deli counter and Audi SUVs waiting out in the parking lot.

There are pockets of great wealth, where the Wall Street crowd lives in fabulous homes with pools and docks along the river, and then, well, there are the rest of us living landlocked in Cape Cods and split-levels. I am kind of exaggerating but you get the picture: there’s a little bit of everything. 

The crowd gathered at this particular Vermont inn last weekend definitely fell into the former category — there seemed to be a lot of hedge fund managers — but it was just in such high concentration, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I stared at the Patagonia and Prada (!) ski jackets, the well-heeled ladies scattered around the dining room at dinner enjoying miso glazed Brussels sprouts and seared scallops in a beet puree and the woman sitting alongside us at the bar with the fabulous blow out (my friends couldn’t stop talking about her hair).

My one always-elegant friend leaned over as we stood enjoying our glasses of cabernet at the wine-and-cheese gathering for members Saturday night among the casually clad après ski crowd swathed in all their cashmere, and whispered, “It’s very Connecticut.”

None of this however, prepared me for all the staring I would try not to do on Sunday when we were whisked up to the top of the mountain in a heated Snowcat (nicknamed the CATillac) with CNN’s Chris Cuomo, who was with his wife and two young children. And us.

I know.

Two things: First, Chris Cuomo is a pretty handsome dude in real life but the one I couldn’t stop staring at was the wife. Even after pulling off her helmet and one of those Balaclavas from a morning of skiing, she was absolutely beautiful – very dark and exotic, which some Googling later uncovered might be due to her Brazilian roots. The second important thing about this encounter was that the Cuomos were not remotely interested in our lady gang from Jersey. We really did not interact with them at all, even though we sat around a communal table in a charmingly rustic cabin at the top of the mountain and ate lunch together (where the spread included bagels and lox and vegetable-hummus wraps).

“Did you see her eyes glaze over when she heard we were from New Jersey?” laughed one of my ladies later after the Cuomos skied off with their kids and we took the Snowcat back down the mountain ourselves.

We had a lot of time for research during out four-hour drive back home and learned that they lived in Manhattan and Mrs. Cuomo worked full-time as magazine editor, has been called “”one of the most fabulous mommies in New York” and is BFFs with Tory Burch.  And she graduated from Cornell. Oh, and we think she was wearing a Prada ski outfit. Oh, oh and their South Hampton home had been featured in a spread in Elle Decor.

I was in a weird piecemeal snow outfit pulled out of our winter bins that hold my daughters’ old ski wear and the pants were so tight I could barely breathe.

We did have a brief conversation with Mrs. Cuomo, and I shouted to her at the other end of the long wooden table about how the four of us had been planning a winter getaway for months and had originally thought we’d go much farther north, to Jay Peak to stay at a friend’s bed and breakfast. When that didn’t pan out, I told her, our girlfriend offered her place and mentioned there was a nice mountain where we could ski. Totally downplaying the greatness.

Then we started “oohing” and “ahhing” over how fabulous we all thought it was and in retrospect, the Cuomos were probably a little more used to that kind of lifestyle. They probably didn’t think twice about people just handing them vegetable hummus wraps and Chardonnay and icy cold water tapped from some nearby private water source. And it was all gratis.

But the four of us did. We discussed in detail all of the lovely little things we had noticed over the course of our fancy weekend and thanked our generous and insanely low-key girlfriend for sharing her getaway with us.

“I feel like a celebrity,” joked one of our gang as we packed the car to return home. “My kids are going to ask me for my autograph.”

And while I wasn’t hoping my kids would ask for my autograph, I was so excited about my weekend that I was hoping they would be somewhat interested in hearing my stories and looking at the pictures on my iPhone.

“Why do you keep bragging about it?” asked my fifth grader when I tried to show him a picture of the Snowcat, and that’s when I realized that they couldn’t just be happy for me. They felt jealous and left out.

So, I guess that’s why I’m telling you. Please don’t feel jealous, I would have taken you, too, but there’s only so much room in a Snowcat.

The very famous Snowcat.

The very famous Snowcat.

 

 

Free to Be You and Me at 40

39521_free-2-b-u-and-meWhen I became a mom about a hundred years ago, there were a lot of things that came as a surprise, like how much babies cried, how challenging it could be to breastfeed and the power and force of a tiny colon.  Who knew poop could fly like that out of something so small?

But there were also a lot of things that I knew for sure: like, that my kids would love to read, never watch television and listen to everything that I said.

And if you’re an ‘A’ My Name is Amy reader, or one of my children, you know how that all worked out.

I also was determined to bring  a very “Free to be You and Me” approach to my parenting. You know, like we are all equals, be who you are, accept others’ differences, kumbaya.

I even had the Free to Be CD playing on heavy rotation in our minivan, along with our Shel Silverstein and Roald Dahl collections and the soundtracks from Oklahoma! and The Music Man.

That turned out to be a tall order.

Despite my best efforts, we have conformed to traditional gender stereotypes around here – the boys take out the trash, the girls help clear the table – with narrow views (Boston University was deemed “weird” when my son saw a girl with purple hair on her way to class).

But how could I have really thought I would get different results when I wasn’t really being “me”? I spent much of my life trying to compress that girl. To get her to stop being so bossy, so loud, so weird. To stop arguing with everybody’s husbands about their bad politics (a blow job is worse than a baseless war?) and penchant for go-go bars (seriously?).

I wish I could have stayed the same girl I was when Free to Be first aired on television, which happened 40 years ago this week. In 1974, sitting in the small yellow room that served as our TV room and watching that program, I knew that it was alright to cry, that boys could be afraid of mice and that ladies shouldn’t always go first.

I also believed that I could do anything. I used to sit in my room and practice being on the Merv Griffin show – yukking it up with ZsaZsa Gabor – so I’d be prepared when greatness came my way.

But I drifted far away from that 8-year-old girl over the following 20 years. I became less sure of myself. More uncertain about the way the world works.

It took a lot of work to turn that around but now I do feel free to be me and I hope my kids are taking notes. I still think that all of the Free to Be ideas and values remain relevant as well as challenging today as they were 40 years ago.

And maybe you can absorb them all when you’re a kid or maybe you need to live life a little to figure out who you really are.

Kumbaya.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_26FOHoaC78

Give Us Dirty Laundry

Lh9_(5970963447)I feel sorry for the Cannings.

You know who they are. They’re the New Jersey family that made international headlines last week when their teenage daughter, Rachel, took her parents to court in an effort to get them to pay her school tuition, even though she moved out of their house in October.

Rachel accuses her mom of being the source of her battle with anorexia (she says she called her “fat” and “porky”) and her dad of inappropriate acts of affection (like kissing her on the cheek in public).

Her parents claim their 18-year-old daughter constantly overstepped the boundaries they had set for her – by staying out late, drinking alcohol and dating a boy of whom they did not approve. She’d also been suspended from her Catholic high school a couple of times.

The family appeared together in court last week, although they sat at separate tables with their attorneys, and the parents at one point were photographed mopping tears from their faces with Kleenex.

It’s just so sad.

That’s all I could think when I looked at those pictures online was how sad it was that the pretty common trials and tribulations of being and raising a teenager were now public fodder for online forums.

Scrolling through the long thread of comments under just one Star Ledger article on the case, I noticed posters were quick to point the finger of blame at just about everyone involved – from Rachel, to her parents to the family who took her in after she left home.

Even the Star Ledger was taken to task for posting photos grabbed off Facebook of Rachel wearing a bikini (which I did not find lurid but instead just a cute picture of her snuggling a seal during a family vacation in the Bahamas).

And because many folks who post comments online are the trolls of the Internet, lurking under the cloak of anonymity to spread vitriol wherever possible, so much of what’s being posted is mean and downright self-righteous.

Posters call Rachel “troubled,” the family “dysfunctional” and the father of the friend Rachel is staying with – who happens to be an attorney who’s fronting her legal bills – “creepy.”

One poster wonders about the Cannings, “If they were such a wonderful family how did they end up with such a self-absorbed entitled daughter who didn’t want to respect her parents?”

Another commenter posted, “The parents should have done a better job at raising this child, they were definitely a dysfunctional family.”

Ouch.

Have none of these holier-than-thou commenters ever lived with, raised or spent time as a teenager?

If they had done any one of those things, they would know that it is NOT easy. Who are any of us to judge?

I don’t know about you, but I would not want the intimate details of my family life – my struggles raising my teenagers in particular – splashed all over the Internet.

I mean, okay, I do my fair share of writing about personal stuff on this blog but I promise you, you don’t know the half of what goes on around here.  And that’s how it should be.

Believe me, I know just what it’s like to try to live with someone who’s under the impression that the number of candles on a birthday cake gives him or her the right to do whatever s/he pleases, house rules be damned.

I think the Cannings just wanted the best for Rachel and her sisters and thought they, in turn, were doing their best for them. Just like the rest of us.

I think that some kids are just more difficult than others and Rachel might be one of those.  I have some experience with that.

I had separate discussions with both of my daughters recently about the Cannings and thought it was interesting that neither jumped to Rachel’s defense. They were both kind of like, “What?”

“Every kid’s got, like, rules they have to live with,” observed my 20-year-old. “Nobody likes it, but that’s just the way it is.”

My younger daughter, who’s 16 and still at a stage where the less syllables she has to use in a conversation with me the better, just said of Rachel’s plight, “That’s stupid.”

And I agree, the Cannings’ disagreements with their daughter – ones I bet a lot of us have had with our own kids – just got out of control.

I hope they can figure out a way to work things out and that Rachel moves home because that’s where she belongs.

And if one of my kids tries to run away and live with a friend, to those parents I say: Please, don’t do my child any favors.