I might have mentioned yesterday that I spent the weekend doing a fair amount of driving. Eighteen hours of driving, in fact, and mostly along major interstates that slice through Virginia’s Blue Ridge Mountains and meander across Pennsylvania farmland. And over the course of those hundreds of miles of roadway, I came to a very big conclusion: Other drivers are assholes.
I mean, I’m sure it’s not you guys. You guys are conscientious drivers who adhere to the rules of the road. It’s all those other jerks behind the wheel that make me nuts. But what I can’t decide is whether they’re just totally clueless, like they haven’t figured out where their cruise control buttons are, or they just don’t give a shit. It’s mind-boggling.
And because I had so many hours to think about the state of my fellow drivers this weekend, I’ve come up with profiles of the 5 most annoying drivers out on the road. See if you agree:
- The %$#@ Truck Driver: I hate to make blanket statements but I feel pretty good about saying that all truck drivers are douchebags. Okay, you might be thinking that I’m prejudiced after that 18-wheeler sideswiped me this winter, but that is not the case. I just think that those who drive big rigs either lack the self-awareness of just how large their vehicles are, much like when my size 12 son comes downstairs squeezed into size 8 jeans, or they just don’t give a fuck. I’m guessing it’s the latter. I would like to propose that all vehicles with more than four wheels be restricted to just one lane on two-lane roadways. I had a giant FedEx truck – the kind that is like two giant trucks linked together as one – swerve in front of me as I was about to pass it in the left lane and then follow behind it as it lumbered for miles to pass as many trucks as it could in the right lane before a break let me zip around it on the right. It was all I could do not to honk and let loose the bird.
- The King of the Fast Lane: You know who they are. They’re the drivers that get in the left lane and stay in the left lane for their entire trip, regardless of how fast they’re going. I just don’t understand that brand of thinking. That rudeness. I’m a pretty fast driver, but I stay to the right unless I’m passing. Just like it says in the rules of the road book. Duh.
- The Accelerator: Jesus, this driver makes me crazy especially because I am all about cruise control. First of all, my foot gets tired, pressing down on that accelerator for all those hours. Second of all, I think it goes along with my philosophy for life in general: Maintain a steady pace. This driver, who is probably the same one hogging the left lane, is generally driving slower than you are, until you try to pass him on the right. Then, what do you know, he really starts to put to pedal to the metal. I have no patience for this dude and even if I have to go over 80 mph to get around his vehicle, I find that once he’s been thoroughly passed, he slows back down again and quickly recedes from my rearview mirror. Fool.
- The Old Dude in the Hat: I don’t know what it is, but every time I’m driving behind a car that appears to be driven by someone who just learned how to drive, employing every annoying habit, I spot the telltale trucker’s cap perched atop the driver’s head – usually emblazoned with some military insignia or else advertising as a promotional giveaway at the racetrack – who is a man of a certain age. Old guys are terrible drivers, aggressively slow and uneven with their use of blinkers and braking, and the hat is like a giant red arrow that helps you identify them. Pass him and move on.
- The Cell Phone Addict: This driver generally looks, well, just like me. She’s some blonde woman of a certain age driving a giant SUV. (Unless it’s the goombah driving a Mercedes.) The only difference between me and that first driver is that she is fucking addicted to her iPhone. She can’t disconnect, even at 80 mph and drives like a douche because of it. Lady, do us all a favor and if you can’t wait until you get home, figure out how to hook up your Bluetooth, for the love of pete. Plus, you’re teaching your kids how to be douchebags and continue the cycle. Stop for humanity’s sake.
Did I miss anyone? Any other driver out there who makes you crazy? Be sure to let me know in the comments below.